Published: December 01. 2009 2:00AM

By Stephanie Trotter
CONTRIBUTING WRITER

Things You Never Want to Admit You’ve Asked

Why aren’t you pregnant?

How much money do you make?

Did you have liposuction?

Why have you been married so many times?

Do you know who the daddy is?

Why are you just an assistant?

Why don’t you have kids?

How much did that cost?

Why don’t you get a job?

How old are you?

Why don’t you get married?

Excuse Me?!

Mom was right, you know. When she’d shake her finger and instruct you to “think before you speak.” And yet, how seldom do we really follow through with that advice? Open your ears and go about the day. Listen to what your friends, neighbors and co-workers are saying. It will amaze you. Listen to yourself and it will stun you even more.

If we’re truly honest, we’ll admit every hour we’re either lobbing or dodging comments and questions that fall into a couple of distinct, if not outright unfavorable, categories. Some statements and inquiries are necessary; others helpful and a few can be quite entertaining. But a high number easily qualify to wear the Really Stupid or Really Rude label. With Talk being in our title, we felt the need to investigate this puzzling phenomenon.

Say What?

A few jobs pull you right into the line of fire of people’s everyday conversations. Among them - bartenders, receptionists, and hairdressers. They’re the unpaid counselors of society, fielding our hopes and heartbreaks. No topic is off-limits. Maria Rhys, owner of Identity, has been cutting hair for 15 years. “I feel I could write a book,” she reveals when asked about the crazy comments she’s heard when dealing with clients. With a smile she shares tongue-in-cheek, “You know that old cliché about there’s no stupid questions, just stupid answers? Well, no matter how stupid it may seem to me, I always try to answer to the best of my ability.”

The smiles grow even wider over at the headquarters for the Junior League of Greenville. This is where executive administrator Tina Hampton and financial manager Betsy Littlejohn answer hundreds of phone calls from the Leagues’ hundreds of members, as well as the general public. “They don’t think. I think that’s a lot of it,” observes Hampton with a grin. “To some people, they just come out and say stuff and they don’t think it through.” Both burst out laughing when remembering various inquiries from the past.

“That’s the fun of the job,” adds Littlejohn. “The people really are what make the job fun.” The duo believes they too could pen a book. “It’s growing larger than ‘War and Peace,’” jokes Hampton. “Tolstoy is going to be jealous!” Over the years callers have asked the silly, like how to sign up their kids for “Little League.” The catty also chime in from time-to-time wanting to know who is divorcing whom. And then there are those who ring up from the grocery store, asking the women to find specific ingredients from one of the well-known Junior League cookbooks.

But the wackiest question that trumps them all was the young lady who wanted to know why her mail wasn’t arriving in a timely manner. After a series of probing questions, Hampton and Littlejohn discovered when filling out a mailing address form that asked for the caller’s zip code “plus four,” the woman had actually added the number four to the last digit of her zip code!

Can you repeat that?

Dingbat, clueless, nosy, rude, snarky. We’ve all asked one that falls under each of those adjectives. A quick office survey compiled a list of “Things You Never Want to Admit You’ve Asked.” (See box.) From there you can enforce tighter classification. There’s the “Oops!” question, like when you pat a girlfriend you haven’t seen in awhile on the belly and purr, “How far along are you?” When in truth she’s not pregnant, just on a Moose Tracks ice cream binge after breaking up with her boyfriend.

Then there’s the “Curiosity Killed the Cat” query with maximum offensiveness: “So, how much are you making now?” Nothing like that to bring cocktail chatter to a crashing halt. In today’s desensitized age, some even throw out the “Jerry Springer” style interrogation, “So do you know who the baby’s daddy is?” “Uh, the last I checked, it was my husband.” Really, how are you supposed to respond to that? (See the other box.)

Dr. Marcela Young finds she does have to coach some of her patients on how to answer sensitive questions. A good portion of them participate in a weight loss program through her practice at the Center for Adult and Family Medicine. “I think patients have a hard time addressing issues related to obesity,” she observes. “They struggle with questions when someone asks if they are on a weight loss program.”

During her 20 years in Greenville, she’s learned to use an integrated approach to treating them. “Their emotional well-being is just as important as their physical well-being,” she shares. “Everything works together to cause wellness.”

And that brings us to the emotions of why we ask the absurd and how we process the hurtful. “What this gets at is sort of a fundamental reality of the human experience,” explains psychologist and Furman University professor Dr. Paul Rasmussen. “We are by reality of our birth inferior creatures. We humans are oriented toward safety and enhancement. That is the foundation of the human experience, to avoid bad and pursue good.”

Moment to moment during our encounters with one another, whether physical or emotional, we are wired to sense threats and compensate for our inadequacies. Rasmussen says, “Humans are oriented in two directions. To enhance positive outcomes and avoid threatening outcomes.” If someone feels in verbal danger during a conversation, they’re likely to defend themselves by presenting a sense of superiority by boasting of accomplishments, or highlighting others inferiorities. Sometimes the rebuke comes with a shrug and a smile, sometimes with a sly, passive-aggressive barb.

With new studies analyzing the various levels of thinking taking place when we communicate, Rasmussen easily makes one conclusion: those who put down others, or artificially elevate themselves tend to view themselves in negative terms. Those who are viewed as kind, gracious and supportive to others, tend to view themselves in positive terms. He likes to say, “Rudeness is a weak person’s imitation of strength.”

And since we’re communicating here, what’s interesting to note is that no matter how mundane or foolish the things are that come out of our mouths, we’re all bobbing along in the same proverbial boat. “Everybody is trying to protect their ego-integrity,” furthers Rasmussen. “The people who are able to stand back and say ‘I’m okay with my assets and liabilities and we’re all in this together,’ they can be positive and encouraging.”

Ah, the perfect words to close with. Don’t you think? Oh, wait – was that a stupid question?

How to Respond to Rude Questions

Ignore. Act like you didn’t ear it.

Change the topic. “So how was your day?”

Fire back your own rude question, but with humor. “How much did that cost?” “Who wants to know!?”

Distract. “Oh my, you have something in your hair.”

Side step with another question. “That reminds me, did you hear…”